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Posts Tagged ‘writing’

Invisibility

I panicked after I published my first post on this blog. I thought I would feel exhilirated. Not so.

I have a love/hate relationship with invisibility. I love being invisible on skype and facebook, for example. It freaks me out when people can see whether I am online or not.

One of my coolest experiences in Bahrain was about invisibility. A friend had invited me and two other Americans to go downtown with her to see the Ashoora observances. (Ashoora is a commemoration of the martyrdom of Imam Hussein, the grandson of the prophet Mohammed.)  It is a deeply emotional and religious time for the Shi’a, and though observers are welcome, it is very important for outsiders to be respectful in appearance and behavior. So, we three American girls dressed up in our black abaayas and scarves. Zahra looked at A. and said, “You look like you could be Bahraini!” She looked at L, saying, “You could be Persian.” She turned to me and hesitated. “No, you don’t look anything but American.”  Rats.  I hate standing out.

We headed out on foot into the alleys of downtown Manama. The streets were full of Bahrainis, both men and women, dressed in black to mourn for Imam Hussain. After a little while, I flipped the end of my scarf up to cover my face (my hair was already covered). It was like slipping on Bilbo Baggins’ magic ring. I was suddenly invisible. It was amazing. I went from feeling that all eyes were on me to feeling like I was slipping through the crowds unnoticed and unseen, with no one having any reason to be bothered that I was there. It was an incredibly liberating feeling.

So I hate standing out, and I love observing without being observed. On the other hand, at times I feel a deep emptiness when I feel that my soul is not being seen. My loneliest times are when I feel that my heart is invisible. It turns out that who we all really are is part of the unseen realm, and one actually has to make an effort to make one’s insides visible.

This is where this blog comes into play. I want to allow myself to be seen, and writing is part of chosen visibility for me. I didn’t expect to get quite so frightened when I actually took the first step in putting my words out in the open, but I did feel pretty panicked. I mean, sometimes I consider invisibility to be my super power…but despite the panic, I’ve decided to give up the super power and live a mortal life.

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Writing about…

I’m going to pretend that this is not my first blog post so that I don’t have to do the introduction thing. I just want to get past this first entry and jump into the real thing anyway.

I have a few topics that I really want to write about on this blog. First, after years of tentatively dipping my toes into the water of writing, I think I am ready to dive in…or at least wade in up to my ankles. As I start to write, though, I am finding that what I am wading into is murkier than I expected, so I would really like to keep a journal of the process.

Second, we are approaching some very big life changes. I want to write about what lay before, what lies ahead, and all the fog in between.

Third, and this is a shorter term hope…I’m about to participate in a read-along of Brene Brown’s book I Thought It Was Just Me. Depending on how personal my responses are, I’d like to blog about my journey through the book.

Probably you want me to explain why I chose the blog title Greener Grass. Get used to disappointment. Just pretend it’s something really poetic and deep.

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