I sagged into the pew at church next to Josh’s stroller. He still wouldn’t go into the nursery, so it wasn’t going to be a peaceful service. I was pretty much running on empty physically and spiritually–a plight not uncommon to moms with young kids.
The worship band started playing. “Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, than thousands elsewhere…” I decided to look up the psalm that inspired the song, Psalm 84. Through the haze, one phrase stood out: ” Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young–a place near your altar…” (v.3)
It was like the voice of an angel in the form of a little mamma sparrow. She said, “Just make your nest in God’s presence. It’s okay that your time with God isn’t what it used to be. You don’t have to be busy about the business of the temple. You can just exist with your little nest in God’s presence.”
This became my mommy-mantra for a while. It was a reminder to me that intimacy with God was not a matter of performance, and that reflecting God’s love to others was more about my presence than my efforts. If there was one piece of wisdom I could give to young moms, it would be to dwell on the tremendous gentleness of God toward you, and to treat yourself accordingly.
Now that I’m out of that exhausting preschooler phase and into the immensely enjoyable elementary years, I find myself coming back to this lesson. Apparently life will continue to challenge both our sense of adequacy and our ideas about God’s expectations of us.
At this point in my life, I have more questions than answers about God. Much more than even those exhausting baby-days, I feel that I’ve failed at what I thought following God was all about. But I come back to this: my nest is at his altar. Questions, confusion, and inadequacy aside, I am refreshed by his tremendous gentleness and the belief that he welcomes me into his presence, no matter my state.
What a lovely piece, Christen. I obviously can’t relate to being a young mommy, but I can relate to the exhaustion (must run in the family
, and it’s a soothing message that I’m allowed to be marathon-panting exhausted in God’s presence. Too often I treat it as another thing on my to-do list. Morning devotions, check. Write grant proposal, check. Writer’s group, check. Pay rent, check. Work nursery at church, check. It all gets lumped in among the “duties.” But I don’t put time with my friends on that checklist, and nor should I put God on there. I should learn from you how to relax and bask in his presence and to recognize his gentleness and take full advantage.